The True Noir
by Soldats of Pocky
Summary: What's life REALLY like at the manor? Altena's an alcoholic, Mireille's...well, Mireille...Kirika's girly and Chloe's trying to play psychologist. Tastless, callous and with absolutely no class, this story turns all the girl's lives upside-down! OOC


Well, here's a really stupid bit of R-rated Noir comedy. Yes, it is stupid. Yes, it may offend some people. That's why it's rated R! Don't like, don't read. We mean no offense to any groups in writing this. Mainly it's satire about stereotypes. ( Please review.or don't. Whatever.  
  
Oh! The joy of the cookie jar! She walked down the stone steps of her manor and scuffled to the pantry as she craved what she had on her mind all day. It was her whole life packed away in one tiny jar. It was her past, present, and future. Ahh, the wonderful, fresh taste of the grapes and alcohol lingered in her mouth long after she drank it. Drunk by noon every day was the way Altena liked it. She walked stupidly to her day bed and drifted off to sleep, clutching the bottle as it was her teddy bear.  
  
"Oh no! I guess I didn't catch her in time!" Moaned Chloe as she peered over her mother and snatched the bottle out of Altena's bony fingers. "Ar-u- te-NA!!!!" cried the purple haired girl as she peered into the bottle and saw nothing left. The bottle was Altena's security blanket.  
  
After hearing Chloe scream, Kirika and Mireille came running into the room. Mireille, who was sporting her usual Britney Spears look, glanced at Altena and muttered, "oops, she did it again."  
  
Chloe glared at her. "What are you two doing here? You don't belong in the manor!"  
  
Mireille looked about worriedly. "They've figured us out, Kirika! Run for the hills!!"  
  
The two ran for it.  
  
Chloe bent over Altena, trying to revive her. "Altena, wake up! Wake up!"Altena snorted in her sleep. "Please, Altena, wake up! I need to have my things shipped out so I can do my next job!" Chloe was desperate.  
  
"Shipped.imported.IMPORTED WINE!" Altena was suddenly up. She started to fall over, and Chloe caught her.  
  
"Altena, you can't keep doing this! It's not healthy for our family!" Chloe's eyes shone with tears.  
  
Altena hiccoughed.  
  
"And really, you should stop sleeping with every man in Soldats. You're going to get a disease. And anyway, how do you know they're promising to side with you for it?"  
  
"Dude, Chloe." Altena smiled. "You have no idea how much money I.hic! I make."  
  
Chloe shook her head. "You're a sick, sick woman."  
  
"Chloe, did you hide my cigarettes again?" asked Altena as she fumbled through her beautiful, French bag.  
  
"Altena, you're up to 3 packs a day..don't you think you should lay off?" Chloe said seriously as she rolled her eyes at Kirika and Mireille. Mireille just smiled slyly and looked down at her handbag where a pack of American cigarettes were stored away. She didn't look right standing on the corners if she wasn't smoking, she thought.  
  
Altena began to roll herself a cigarette. Her long purple and white monkish clothes reeked of tobacco and sour grapes.  
  
"I'm going for a walk to get in touch with myself and the inner beauty of nature and the winery." Altena said dreamily. She began to walk out of the room but Chloe stopped her by tripping her with one of her combat boots.  
  
"Altena, you're going out to enjoy the inner beauty of the drink!" Chloe hissed haughtily. Kirika and Mireille looked at one another and snickered. Altena paid no attention to Chloe and walked out silently until the girls heard a giant thud.  
  
"She's fallen down the stairs again," Chloe said nonchalantly.  
  
"Is she alright?" asked Kirika looking worried.  
  
"That's why I never wear heels when I'm plastered!" Mireille said thoughtfully as she pulled a strand of her long, blond hair out of her anime eyes.  
  
Kirika looked at Mireille. "What DO you do when you're plastered?"  
  
Mireille grinned. "Well, Kirika.I think you know."  
  
Kirika's eyes widened in horror.  
  
Altena came back in, slightly disheveled from her fall. "Whoo!" she said, laughing stupidly. "Chloe, do I look all right? There's a really hot Soldats official out there I want some information from."  
  
Chloe sniffed. "Right, you just want his-"  
  
"I should wear my hair down, it's sexier." Altena looked at Chloe. "You know, Chloe.why don't you ask him for information?"  
  
Chloe's eyes widened. "No.no.no."  
  
Altena gave her a wink. "I know you can do it, Chloe! I have faith in you!" And with that, Altena fell over.  
  
"C'mon, let's get her over to the day bed." Sighed Chloe.  
  
As the 3 girls reached down to drag Altena, they noticed something small fall out of her long clothes. "It's matches!" exclaimed Chloe examining the box.  
  
"I don't see what's wrong with matches?" Mireille said giggling.  
  
"Oh! You don't know Altena!" Chloe yelled as she threw down the box. "She's been trying to burn the place down for as long as I can remember! Why she hates the manor so much, I have NO idea!"  
  
"I was lighting candles for my romantic dinner with Pier!" Altena screamed defensively as she began to attempt to stand up. She was unsuccessful and fell right back down.  
  
"Pier???? Who in the name of Soldats is Pier!?" Chloe asked  
exasperated.  
  
"For your information, he's my new main squeeze!" snapped Altena.  
  
"Another man? Ar-u-te-NAAAA!" screamed an angry Chloe.  
  
"Chloe, that's why I need you to get information from this new man!" Altena pleaded. "I have Pier, so.I can't.be with someone else." She paused. "Well, I could.but."  
  
"Altena, I refuse to sleep with a man just because."  
  
Altena looked scandalized. "Whoever said I want you to sleep with him? I merely said I wanted information!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, in your language, information means.well.you know." Chloe turned red.  
  
Altena looked at her. "Well, you seem to be very adverse to the idea.how unfortunate."  
  
"Why?" asked Chloe.  
  
Altena hiccoughed again. "I ran an ad with you as a mail order bride for a prestigious member of Soldats! Isn't this lovely? You'll be rich, and we can afford more.nice things."  
  
Chloe just stood there, staring. "A what? You did.WHAT?"  
  
Altena waved a hand at her. "Oh, it won't be that bad!"  
  
Chloe glared at her. "I'm going to have that ad removed RIGHT NOW!" She stomped off.  
  
Altena grinned. "But Chloe, I've already had several takers!"  
  
Chloe's face fell. "You.wouldn't."  
  
"C'mon Chloe, it's not a way of life, just a job. I ran ads all the time before I became an assassin. I met some really great people back in the day." Mireille said as a dreamy smile painted her face and Chloe looked at her in disgust.  
  
"Oh! I feel like I could kill someone!" cried Chloe as she grabbed her hair with her small hands.  
  
"Come to think of it..that's a good idea! Thanks for the idea, Chloe!" Kirika said happily as her and Mireille trotted off to partake in their favorite hobby.  
  
"Oh! Those two, I swear..one of these days!" Chloe said glaring at her mother.  
  
"I know what would cheer you up!" Altena said to her smiling.  
  
"NO Altena, we're not hittin' the wine cellar again!"  
  
"Alright, have it your way..but as we're both going to be knocked off in the Anime series I highly suggest you learn to enjoy your pathetic little Anime life while you can, dear!"  
  
"I HATE YOU!" roared Chloe.  
  
"Well, now, you're 19..it's normal to hate me, isn't it?" Altena suggested casually as she opened another wine bottle, smelled it, and took a large swig.  
  
"Altena, I can't marry anyone else.because.I'm.already married!" Chloe cried.  
  
Altena laughed. "Sure."  
  
"I have the records to prove it, too! We got married in Nova Scotia and we spoke French! I was supposed to kill him but I didn't! Now that's romantic!"  
  
Altena blinked. "You're married?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Well, I want to meet your husband! Call him here!" Altena clapped her hands in glee.  
  
"Um, no. I don't think so," said Chloe.  
  
"You simply must! Here, write him a letter."  
  
Chloe sighed and trudged upstairs to write.  
  
Dear Allan,  
  
I'm sorry, but my very deranged mother wants to sell me away. But I told her I was married and she said she wanted to meet you. She doesn't think you exist. So my point is, come save me! Right now, dammit!  
  
Love, Chloe  
  
She mailed the letter the next day. Altena had come out of her room a complete mess, her clothes ripped in several places. She laughed when she saw Chloe, and said, "Dear, please get me the wine bottle over there?"  
  
Chloe said, "No. I'm going to mail this letter."  
  
Altena shrugged. "Whatever. I think Pier is waiting." She winked at Chloe, who blinked, disturbed, and left the manor for the nearest POSTAL OFFICE.  
  
A letter arrived a week later. By that time Altena had stopped with Pier and was onto Jean-Paul. Kirika and Mireille had done some more killing. And Chloe had almost died many, many times. Finally, a letter arrived.  
  
Dear Chloe,  
  
I have come to remedy your problems with your mother. I can save you. I'm probably on your doorstep now. So go check. It's cold, dammit.  
  
Love, Allan  
  
Chloe ran to the door and sure enough, there he was, in all his red-haired glory. She shut the door and said, "You can't be a diplomat with her. You can't. It's not possible."  
  
He just smiled. "I can too! Anyone can be a diplomat, dear. You just need the right skills." And with that, he sauntered inside, carrying all his luggage.  
  
Altena was milling around the sitting room, carrying a glass of wine. Chloe entered tentatively and said, "Altena? This is erm.my husband.y'know, the one I married without the consent of Soldats."  
  
Altena blinked and sat down. "Sit down, you two."  
  
They did. Altena poured herself another glass of wine. After she downed it, she took a drink right from the bottle. Then she looked at the two of them, back and forth, back and forth.Then finally she said, "Well, I'm sure the two of you will have lovely children together."  
  
Chloe cringed.  
  
"However, that's really not the point at the moment. The point is how much money you've got." Altena glared at Allan angrily.  
  
"Well, I can support her and myself."  
  
"I don't mean in terms of support, you dolt. I mean in terms of how much you have. That you can give to me."  
  
Chloe snapped up. "Altena!"  
  
"What, do you need welfare or something?"  
  
"No, she just wants more wine!" Chloe cried.  
  
"Come to think of it, this is a winery, isn't it? Well, why don't you give me a glass of your finest, Altena." Suggested Allen merrily.  
  
"Chloe...though you haven't had many guys, out of the two you've had, I like this one the best." Whispered Altena who stood up and walked in an unbalanced fashion toward the wine cellar.  
  
"Allen, don't you start too!" Chloe hissed angrily.  
  
"I'm just being social, Chloe." Allen said casually.  
  
Altena came back from the cellar carrying a large bottle and beaming.  
  
"Here, try this one. It's best when chased with a couple of aspirin, but-"  
  
"ALTENA!" Chloe yelled.  
  
As far as Chloe was concerned, Allen's visit to the manor was not half as bad as she expected. Although, by the end of the night he was considerably less coordinated, his words were very slurred, and he was extremely red in the face. Other than that, she thought he and her mother got on quite well. They talked mostly about fine wines, making fine wines, and instances when being so drunk by fine wines that they couldn't remember what fine wine they had last.  
  
Allen kissed Chloe goodbye and she got a strong wiff of grapes mingled with alcohol that had been in the cellar for over a decade. Altena had passed out by the fire place and was snoring loudly. Her long, braided hair was draped over the hard wood floor.  
  
The day of Chloe's departure there was snow in the air. She sang a lullaby softly. The one Altena sang when she was sober..which hadn't been for years. She knew that the anime artist would use the lullaby in both her and her mother's tragic Noir deaths, but still, she couldn't help the fact she liked the song, could she? As she threw on her cape and began to leave she heard Altena yell, "Chloe! Wait!"  
  
"Yes?" said Chloe softly, a tear trickling down her tiny face.  
  
"You still have my wine in your coat."  
  
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